I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
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Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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