her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
