i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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