Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
