dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
