woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
