yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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