the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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