finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The Olympian is in my bed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
