what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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