The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
