I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Randomize
