The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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