Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dear god my vagina.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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