you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
