Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
