I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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