I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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