My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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