Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
