Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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