sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
