Welp...herpes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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