I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
