Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dick very happy bro
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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