My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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