I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
