lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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