Your dad touched me again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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