your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
