Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
