Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
