I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
