Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
