It's like God shit irony all over that family
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
