She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
