Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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