I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
