I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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