toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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