Having a random hookup so left but love u
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
