can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
