I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Let's paint friendship bongs
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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