Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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