I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
