why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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