Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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