I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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