i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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