i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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