theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
