You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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