and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
