Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
