just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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