The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing