He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness