Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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