def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
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We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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