Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
